My husband of 23 years moved out after saying that I needed to start taking care of myself again. He is fed up with the arguing and namecalling and says he misses the person he married. He told me he would never leave, but then he did. How can I get him to give us another chance? How can I get him to believe that I am sorry for all the things I have done and said and that I love him and will do anything to make us work?
Answer
It sounds like you need a relationship reboot before it's too late, and it's going to take a lot of work so that you don't wind up in divorce court. Do some honest soul searching first about what you truly want, how you really feel about him, and why you behaved the way you did. Make sure that wanting him back is not simply a knee-jerk reaction to being rejected. Were you truly good for one another? Are you both capable of change, forgiveness, and growing together? Are there other people complicating this relationship?
After you are clear about your own needs, mistakes, and perspective, contact him to arrange for a face-to-face discussion/lunch date in a quiet, neutral location (not your home). Panera, for example, is a good place because you can stay for several hours uninterrupted while you have a private conversation.
If you are truly sorry and feel responsible for your inappropriate behavior, then start out by totally owning it and telling him that you are sorry -- regardless of where your relationship leads. He needs to know that you realize you treated him badly. Ask if he can accept your apology. Tell him what he means to you. Describe to him how he is still the man that you fell in love with 23 years ago and what your dreams for the future are, should you be able to get through this crisis together. Ask where he sees the marriage going, and really let him talk. If he is open to a future together, ask whether he will go to couples therapy with you. If he won't go, then this is not a great sign.
Let him know that you are working on "you" in the interim. Even if he isn't ready to forgive, leave the door open to your relationship. Beginning ASAP, it would be helpful to seek individual counseling for yourself to work on any unresolved issues of anger or untreated mental health issues such as depression. This will help you regardless of whether he is in your life.
