You are a survivor of suicide loss, and I am so sorry that you have joined this “club” no one wants to belong to. When someone dies by suicide, they leave an average of six immediate family members, co-workers, friends, and others to deal emotionally with the devastating loss. That is a conservative estimate. In addition to sadness, you may find yourself feeling anger, guilt, regret, blaming, many unresolved questions, and other confusing emotions.
Grieving a death by suicide can be much more intense and lengthier than other losses, and survivors can face depression as well as post-traumatic stress. Survivors like you are also at higher risk for considering suicide themselves. You must care and protect yourself immediately and ensure that you don’t repeat this tragedy.
Do not leave this untreated. Seek the support of a professional mental health counselor or psychologist.
In addition to counseling, I recommend that you read the following FREE resource packet written by Survivors of Suicide Loss, a charitable organization: https://www.soslsd.org/resources/. They have one written specifically for teens, plus other versions for adults and children. Another good resource is this FREE Handbook for Survivors from the American Association of Suicidology: https://www.suicidology.org/Portals/14/docs/Surviv... It can help you understand more about the devastating loss you have experienced. Please be sure to access this resource as well: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevent... It describes action steps to take if you are feeling suicidal. You cannot bring back your ex-boyfriend, but you can take care of yourself and equip yourself with information to potentially help others in your orbit.
If you are in crisis and feel like you may harm yourself, call 911 for immediate life-saving assistance. You may also contact one of the following resources for talk or text support:
1) National Hopeline Network 1.800.SUICIDE (1.800.784.2433)
If you or someone you know are depressed and considering suicide, call the National Hopeline Network at 1.800.SUICIDE (1.800.784.2433). Your call is free and confidential. Or chat live with a crisis volunteer at http://hopeline.com/.
2) National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1.800.273.TALK (8255)
Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to talk with a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area. Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Note that the National Suicide Prevention website lists additional resources for Spanish speakers, people with hearing impairments, veterans in crisis, LGBTQ+, youth, Native Americans, loss survivors and people facing distress related to natural disasters. I’m providing the link to their survivors of suicide loss resource page: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yoursel...
3) Crisis Text Line Number 741741
If you're in crisis and prefer to text rather than call, then here's a confidential crisis text line staffed nationally by trained counselors in suicide prevention. Text "HOME" to 741741 from anywhere in the United States.
Again, I’m sorry for your loss. As a survivor of suicide loss myself, I can tell you the pain does get better, although it never totally goes away. Please seek the help you need now so that you can start the process of healing. I wish you well.