You have suffered multiple losses and need a source of empathy and stability in your life. Please don’t try to get through these tragedies alone. Seek the help of a professional mental health counselor NOW. With your past suicide attempt, status as a survivor of multiple suicide losses, and your loss by homicide, you are at increased risk for suicide yourself. I am concerned, too, that your support system isn’t strong. Don’t delay in getting yourself to a counselor.
I am sorry for the losses you have experienced. Grieving a death by homicide involves intense feelings of anxiety, helplessness, trouble concentrating and sleeping, and other significant symptoms of post-traumatic stress as you deal with the justice system and perhaps the media on top of your loss. (Issues that further complicate grief include when a family member was the person who committed the crime and when there is no conviction. I hope this isn't your case as well.)
Grieving a death by suicide can be a much more intense and lengthier process than many other losses, and survivors can face depression as well as post-traumatic stress. Survivors like you are also at higher risk for struggling with suicide themselves. You must protect yourself immediately and ensure that you don’t repeat the tragedy of suicide.
In addition to counseling, I recommend that you read the following FREE resource packet written by Survivors of Suicide Loss, a charitable organization: https://www.soslsd.org/resources/. They have one written specifically for teens, plus other versions for adults and children. Another good resource is this FREE Handbook for Survivors from the American Association of Suicidology: https://www.suicidology.org/Portals/14/docs/Surviv... It can help you understand more about the devastating suicide-related losses you have experienced. Please be sure to access this resource as well: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevent... It describes action steps to take if you are feeling suicidal. You cannot bring back your loved ones, but you can take care of yourself and equip yourself with information to potentially help others in your orbit.
If you are in crisis and feel like you may harm yourself, call 911 for immediate life-saving assistance. You may also contact one of the following resources for talk or text support:
1) National Hopeline Network 1.800.SUICIDE (1.800.784.2433)
If you or someone you know are depressed and considering suicide, call the National Hopeline Network at 1.800.SUICIDE (1.800.784.2433). Your call is free and confidential. Or chat live with a crisis volunteer at http://hopeline.com/.
2) National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1.800.273.TALK (8255)
Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to talk with a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area. Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Note that the National Suicide Prevention website lists additional resources for Spanish speakers, people with hearing impairments, veterans in crisis, LGBTQ+, youth, Native Americans, loss survivors and people facing distress related to natural disasters. I’m providing the link to their survivors of suicide loss resource page: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yoursel...
3) Crisis Text Line Number 741741
If you're in crisis and prefer to text rather than call, then here's a confidential crisis text line staffed nationally by trained counselors in suicide prevention. Text "HOME" to 741741 from anywhere in the United States.
Take action for yourself today by contacting a mental health counselor or psychologist in your community and keeping the names of these crisis centers in your wallet in case you need then in an urgent situation. Remove weapons and other lethal means from your home now while you're thinking about it.
You are worth saving. We need you on this planet, alive and well. Stay with us, friend.